A better version of Da Princess in da gle club
by Crack is a Hell of a Drug
Summary: A readable version of Da Princess in da gle club by iluvmybfclay2. Honestly it couldn't get any worse.


**Do not own Glee or "Princess Estelle Ruby Diamond"**

**I would like to dedicate this fic to xxxBiEbErLoVeKiSsxxx and Jellyxtimexbby. I didn't think it was possible but there is a writer worse than you. Feel proud!**

Kurt Hummel hated high school most days. There was nothing but bullies throwing slushies or tossing him into trash cans. They hated him for being different, for being gay. He liked boys and he wasn't about to deny that to anyone. For a while he omitted certain truths as he was afraid to vocally admit his sexual preference and only denied it outright once. He learned his lesson both times and promised himself that he would be true to himself. He found acceptance in New Directions that he was afraid he'd never find in the small bumfuck town of Lima, Ohio.

It wasn't the constant bullying that he hated. He knew deep down they were all jealous that he had talent and style; that he would get out of Lima and make something of himself while they were stuck in the suburban hell hole. He knew the meat head assholes of McKinley High knew it was only a matter of time before he was vastly more successful than they; so they tried to beat him down to make up for their own inadequacies.

What he hated most was the constant threat of exposure of his family's deepest darkest shameful secret. He regretted setting his father and Mrs. Hudson up the moment he sensed the relationship was progressing further than he intended. He wanted to get closer to Finn but he saw what a futile effort that was. Now that Mrs. Hudson and his father were getting closer, it meant that Finn was getting closer. If the couple was going where he thought it was going then sooner or later everyone would know the humiliation the family hid.

The Hummels have always been a very private family. They were a mystery to most in Lima but the community mostly ignored the secluded family. They never had dinner parties or any type of social interaction. Most people shrugged it off as shyness, especially when Mrs. Hummel past away. They rationalized that two males didn't know how to throw social gatherings and left it at that.

If they only knew what the Hummels had hidden away in their attic.

One night Burt sat Kurt down to have a family talk. Kurt dreaded what was to come because he knew it was going to be something he really didn't like. He compulsively swished his head back, his coiffed hair bouncing back and forth.

He was wearing a haut couture (in his own mind as he made it himself) culottes with a sensible bright purple sweater lined with rhinestones. How his father knew he was gay he would never know.

"Kurt. I wanted to talk to you about my relationship with Carol," Burt Hummel started off. Kurt sensed the tenseness in his father's shoulders and the way the words were forced out.

"I want to ask Carol to marry me."

"No you can't!" Kurt exclaimed.

"I know you're worried about…" Burt trailed off; even he couldn't bring himself to name the abomination in his house.

"You should be worried too! You can't marry Carol. She'll find out about…it. And if she finds out then Finn will find out. If Finn finds out then Rachel will and then the whole school will know. New Directions if full of catty gossipy bitches! I should know I'm the head gossip! Oh god all this stress is going to make me break out! I need to do my nightly skin regimen."

With that the conversation was over as Kurt rushed to the sanctum on his bedroom, insistent on performing his OCD skin care.

Burt was not about to let his son hide away behind masks and moisturizers. He followed his son to Kurt's spacious basement bedroom.

"I love Carol and want to marry her. I know this is a big change and that you're worried about what people will think…"

"You're damn right I'm worried. You used to be worried too that's why it's in the attic and we never invite people over. People are just getting used to me being gay, if they knew…No! I can't think about that. Please dad, I'm begging you. Don't do this…at least not till I'm out of the house and in NY. I can create a whole new life and identity there where no one will know the name Kurt Hummel. I can make up a new name, something classy and chic. Rhett Lupone. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it?"

Burt had no idea what his son was talking about but brushed it off to being another effeminate gay thing that he would be support of but would never quite understand.

"That's great Kurt, you can leave and start a whole new life. But what about me? I can't leave. I can't get rid of…you know what. Shouldn't I take the chance of getting some happiness?"

Kurt realized what a selfish douchebag he was being and consented. He rationalized that if Carol and Finn became part of the family then the Hummel shame would become theirs. Finn wouldn't want the secret getting out

So Burt popped the big question and everyone was excited. Finn had more or less gotten over his queasiness of Kurt's sexuality but a lot of tension was relieved when Finn found out the Hudsons wouldn't be moving in with the Hummels until after the wedding and they got a bigger house. So that meant no bedroom sharing. Burt and Kurt agreed that they wouldn't tell Finn and Carol of their shame till after the wedding as well. Kurt wanted to put it off until it was absolutely necessary and Burt was certain that Carol would love him no matter what.

It was an average day at McKinely. Finn and Rachel were practicing their duet. Rachel's mouth was running a mile a minute and Finn stood passively taking everything in as best he could with his slow brain.

Rachel was excited about the wedding. She knew it would be a great chance to show off her singing and dancing skills as the Glee club volunteered to be the entertainment, as well as be part of the wedding party because apparently Burt and Carol have no other friends or family to be part of their ceremony so they asked their sons' friends to make up the wedding party and perform.

Deep down Rachel knew Finn wasn't on par with her in terms of signing and dancing skills and she wished she was with someone else. She just needed to gather the courage to break up with Finn and be with the one she really wanted.

Rachel was distracted by her own thoughts and it gave Finn the rare opportunity to interject.

"I think the wedding is going to be super fun. They're having it catered by this super fancy restaurant all the way out from Cleveland. I think it's called Spanky's rib shack. They have five different kinds of ribs!"

Rachel's face showed her distaste of the choice of caterers. As a staunch vegan she knew she'd have to eat before the wedding. She let Finn continue on as she imagined a life away from Ohio that didn't so closely resemble hell.

"I totally don't look forward to the move though. It's right after the wedding so that's going to be a pain in the ass."

"Why don't you guys move now? Little by little, that way it's not so stressful?" Mercedes interjected. She was standing there the whole time but Rachel and Finn didn't notice till now as she's really just an ancillary character that no one cares about.

"I don't know. My mom suggested that but Kurt and Burt got super tense and said it should be after the wedding. Propensity or something like that."

Rachel thought for a moment because she knew Finn used the wrong word. Given the context of the sentence she assumed he meant "propriety." She didn't bother to correct him as she knew he was too dumb to learn anyway. She idly wondered if he and Brittany ever had a baby, would it create a black hole of stupidity.

"Wow that's kind of weird because I didn't think Burt was old school like that," Mercedes commented.

Now that Finn thought about it, which is a rare occurrence for him, he thought it was weird too. Burt and his mom weren't abstaining; he found that out the hard way, so he wasn't sure why the big push to move after the wedding.

"Know what else is weird? I've never been to Kurt's house and neither has my mom. They always come to my house, God I wish they didn't, and they've never invited us to dinner."

"Yeah I don't think Kurt has ever invited us to a girl's night sleepover either."

They all thought it was a bit fishy that Kurt and his dad were so secretive.

Mercedes somehow convinced them to infiltrate Kurt's home to see what was going on. Her compulsive need to know every little bit of gossip drew her to the secluded home and the others went along with it.

Puck came along for the ride because they needed someone who could pick locks; also the girls were sick of looking at Finn's goofy ass face and wanted some man candy for a change.

They all walked through the quiet house, nothing looked out of place. It was a typical one bedroom cape cod. It was small but the Hummel's didn't need the room until recently. The teens were perplexed as to why Kurt and Burt were so skittish about letting guests over.

"Dude, like what the hell? There's nothing here. Let's go get some waffles." Puck complained.

Suddenly there was a noise from above. It sounded like someone scurrying along the ceiling. All teens looked up, slightly frightened at the unknown noise, they knew it was coming from the attic.

"Should we go investigate?" Finn asked.

"Are you crazy white boy? Everyone knows the black girl is the first to die when they 'investigate' a strange noise. Hell to the no I'm not going."

"Yeah and the badass womanizer who's also an ethnic minority, Jewish in case you didn't know, dies next. Finn and Rachel, you're virgins so you go." Puck insisted.

Finn slightly tensed at the mention of virginity and his guilt that it was no longer true. He also shook slightly in fear as the only safe one in the scenario was Rachel and he no longer had the protection of his virginity from being horribly hacked to death.

Rachel scoffed and rolled her eyes and went to investigate. She already committed to this waste of time where she could be practicing so she might as well get something out of this endeavor. She bravely led the way to the attic and like the rest of the house, there didn't seem to be anything obviously wrong.

"I don't see what the big…AHHHHHHH!" Rachel screamed as she saw a hideous creature.

The others rushed to her side to help the screaming diva. When they saw the abomination before them they screamed too.

The creature had long thin stringy white blonde hair that looked like it was never brushed. She was wearing nothing but filthy panties and a ratted tank top. The horrendous being was sickly thin, with no chest or feminine curves to speak of. She had soulless dead eyes, like that of a ginger.

After the teenagers stopped screaming they froze in fear. Nothing could be heard except their pounding hearts and heavy breathing.

The creature walked slouched over, dragging its knuckles along the wooden floor. The members of New Directions instinctively stepped back, not wanting to be at all close to the creature.

Then in a fast, high pitched teeny bopper voice, the creature spoke.

"Hi my name is Princess Estella Ruby Diamond Humill. I hav a identiacl twin brother caled Kurt. He is gay. I am not¹."

They could not understand what it spoke because it was too stupid to learn proper English and grammar.

"I waz born after our mothwer had an affair with my my dads best friend. My dad hated me wen I was bron. Kurt waz the favourite. He was spoiled, and i was alrways badly treated. I waz forced to be a slav in my own home. Then my mother dieded, and things got worse.¹"

The creature kept talking in the most annoying 15 year old girl voice they had ever heard and it took its toll on them. Rachel's doubled over in pain from the stupidity. She knew what evil stood before them but its idiocy was so great it sapped all her strength. She couldn't warn them to run away and never return.

Finn started to freak out because Rachel seemed to be in a lot of pain. The creature's stupidity didn't have an effect on him as only intelligent people could feel the sting of such senseless garbage that spewed from the creature's mouth.

Mercedes and Puck were no help either and all seemed lost.

But Kurt got home early from his community center class on "How To Properly Wear An Ascot" and came to their rescue.

"Back beast!" Kurt yelled as he held up a MS word manual with the "spellcheck" chapter open.

The creature hissed in pain as it could not stand the thought of ever using spellcheck or any type of helpful editing tool.

"…my frend tracey crected the mistaks, so its not brilyant yet. it will get better!" the creature screamed. It was a natural defense to try to trick people into thinking it wasn't as horrible as it really way. But Kurt knew better and pressed upon the creature until it was far enough away for his friends to escape.

"GO! I can hold it off."

The glee club didn't have to be told twice and they got the hell out of there. They stood outside the house convinced it was a safe enough distance and wondered if they should go after Kurt. All were too afraid and Rachel was too weak. The creature had hurt her really bad and Finn told them they should go to the hospital.

Kurt came out in a rage, extremely pissed off that his supposed friends would break into his house and that his secret was now out.

"What the fuck were you guys thinking? Who the hell do you think you are? Some fucked up Scooby Gang?"

"Dude? What the fuck was that!" Puck asked.

"Ummm guys. I think Rachel is really sick…we should get her to the hospital." Finn said worriedly.

"Finn's right. Take her to the hospital." Kurt ordered.

"Not until you tell us what the fuck is going on."

"I'll explain later. Rachel has stupidity poisoning and needs to get on dialysis to filter it out."

"Why aren't Puck and I so sick?" Mercedes inquired.

"Probably because she hangs out with Finn so much. She already had some in her system and her run in with…" Kurt couldn't bring himself to admit the truth just yet.

"…it so she was high susceptible to stupidity poisoning. Get her to the hospital and I'll…I'll tell you everything."

Puck, Mercedes, and Finn took Rachel to the emergency room and were able to save her. The doc warned them the dangers of stupidity poisoning and not to put themselves in dangerous situation such as reading anything written by iluvmybfclay2 as it was sure to kill them.

Rachel awoke to see the members of glee club surrounding her hospital bed. Quinn and Santana were off in a corner being nasty bitches and didn't have a place in this story.

"Dinosaurs are cool," was all Brittany said. She had to be escorted out of the room along with Finn as Rachel was too weak to withstand any type of stupidity.

Kurt came in ashamed and didn't know where to start.

"I know what lies in your attic Kurt," Rachel said gravely.

Tears welled in Kurt's eyes as the reality of people knowing his shameful secret came to light.

"It's a troll, isn't it?"

Kurt broke down when the truth came out. All the years of hiding and keeping secrets were too much for him. He cried angry tears of hate as well. He hated that he was related to a troll and her entire existence. He almost believed in God just then; a malevolent God who would create such an abomination.

"Yes, she is my twin; Christina. She's been hidden away in the attic since she was born."

"Christina? Why did she call herself 'Princess Estella Ruby Diamond'?"

"Because that is the nature of trolls. They hate normal everyday names so they create the most ridiculous retarded names they can come up with. I hate it so much; it's such a horrible name."

They all nodded their heads in sympathy.

"They also hate grammar and spelling. We tried to teach her but she's just this black hole of absurd text speak and broken English. She's totally hopeless so we had to lock her in the attic so others wouldn't have to feel the pain of her awfulness. I'm so sorry guys; I never wanted you to know."

"What exactly was your plan here Kurt? Our parent's are supposed to get married! You were going to make us family with that…thing!" Finn yelled from outside the room.

"We were hoping that you guys would love us no matter what?"

"Are you insane? Do you know how kindhearted my mom is? She would let that thing out!"

Kurt's face fell in horror. Finn was right! Carol is the type to be so kind hearted to let a monster out. They had to stop the wedding.

"Oh my God, no! That would be the worst thing ever. Does she know what kind of horror she would bring into the world? Why when you guys left she developed an insane crush on Puck, not that I blame her, and she found two tomatoes and a cumber. She then glued them together and ever since has been masturbating with them, saying:

'I liked his sex. He had a HUGE dingdog, like the size of a cucmbeur. His balls were like tomtoes. When I licked them and sucked them, it was like a fruit salad. A yummy, juicey fresh frut salad.'

I don't think I could be anymore traumatized."

Kurt then took a moment to vomit profusely because he's so disgusted at the thought of Princess Estelle Ruby Diamond in any sexual way. The rest of the Glee club joined him.

After they emptied their stomachs Puck stepped up with a determined look in his eyes.

"I'll kill the beast! The Torah clearly states 'Thou shall not suffer a troll to live' and I will follow in my grandfather's footsteps of defeating evil."

All the teenager's eyes widened at the awesomeness that was Puck.

"You don't mean…" Rachel was too awed to ask.

"Yes, I will take the bat of the great Donny 'Bear Jew' Donowitz and beat the stupid bitch to death."

"Isn't that kind of messed up? I mean your grandfather beat Nazis to death with it during the Holocaust."

"Well iluvmyvfclay2…I mean Princess is like Hitler and she created a holocaust of English grammar and spelling. So it's my duty to kill her."

They couldn't argue that.

"Hmm my mother did make my father and me promise not to kill the little bastard, that's why we kept her in the attic. But she didn't say anything about letting someone else kill her. Cheers good sir and good luck."

So Puck saved humanity by annihilating Princess Estelle Ruby Diamond with several well placed swings to her head. She skull collapse completely upon itself due to her having no brain.

The world was such a better place with her in it and they hoped to never see anything as awful as "Da princess in da gle (Are you fucking serious? You couldn't even spell "Glee" right?) club."

Rachel broke up with Finn because her run in with iluvmybfclay2 left her with no immunity against stupidity and she could no longer be in close proximity to him. She did however find happiness with Sam after he figured out Quinn was the biggest cunt around.

Puck was given the Medal of Honor and license to kill any troll he happened upon. He made the Bear Jew proud.

They buried Princess Estelle Ruby Diamond in a shallow grave next to the dump. Sue Sylvester came by the grave and took a huge dump on it as she psychically knew the dumb bitch had made up some crazy story about being raped by her and she could not let that slide. Everyone was grossed out but totally understood where she was coming from.

They could only hope that the troll was truly dead and would never haunt them again. But knowing the ways of trolls, iluvmybfclay2 would come back reincarnated and terrorize the world with something stupid like "Why Rachel Berry da bitch wuz Mruderd."

Luckily Puck was around and will kill off that dumb story too.

**A/N: Man that was hard to write because the story was so awful I barely had anything to work with. Hope you guys liked it. Read and Review!**

**¹****Quotes from "Da princess in da gle club" written (I use the term loosely) by ilubmybfclay2. All material is hers and I claim nothing. Please feel free to report her to get her banned from ff. net **


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